Bearded Magazine

Not too long ago I was looking for a magazine to write a presentation about for my magazine writing module. My first choice, the astonishingly designed and equally well written independent film magazine Little White Lies had annoyingly already been taken by my friend Dave. Everyone knows a Dave and a good 75% will apparently hinder your life. So I looked further and discovered an equally impressive looking music magazine called Bearded Magazine.

The signs were all there for a decent indie magazine. Obscure title meaning nothing to the content. Check. Front cover a drawing instead of an actually photo. Check. Made from recycled paper and struggling to make any money at all? Oh I am so there.

I registered online and subscribed to the mag and was further impressed by their mission statement to only review and interview bands who are signed to Independent record labels or even unsigned. With a couple of labels featured including White Stripes and Dizzee Rascal's label XL and Mr Scruff's Ninja Tune records (my own personal favourite for those pathetic enough to care) I was impressed that around 95% of the artists featured are still relatively unknown past the band's girlfriends/parents/ people they have upset at bars when they didn’t realize it was live band night.

What really impressed me however was that they give the opportunity to download, for free, an entire collection of songs from different artists each month. This did excite me. I had this image of me writing reviews of these unknown artists each month, then a year down the line when the band have gone supernova and become the 'next big thing' and the lead singer is pictured holding Duffy's hand on the front cover of the News of the World, I can feel slightly smug about how I gave them a glowing review all those moons ago. So whose career am I going to give the boost it so desperately deserves. Cassetteboy, two lads from Bristol making experimental cut and paste sampling music, perfect here we go...

Listening to Cassetteboy is possibly one of the most migraine invoking waste of time I have ever experienced in my life which many a time has been wasted.

No no no gosh darn it that wasn't supposed to happen but I’m sorry but really it’s a comedy album, full of nob gags I might add, that gets tiring way before each song is finished never mind listening to 17 tracks of it. What consists of samples of speeches by Tony Blair, George Bush, various newsreaders all cut up to make them say things like "weapons of mass destruction are in Blackpool" or as simple as "I am a paedophile" may raise a smile every now and again but soon turns repetitive and has you screaming 'when are the actual songs going to appear?'

Also if I’m honest if you want to hear a cut job of Stephan Fry reading Harry Potter that has been turned into Hermione giving him oral sex (an actual track I assure you) the you are a grotesque ugly freak and I don’t want you reading this page anyway. Although saying that I they should receive some credit (or bravery points/sick evil human beings bonuses depending on how you look at it) for the track 'Di + Dodi Do Di' which is the usual cut and paste news cast sampling of the Princess Diana death to shocking effect, one line reads 'I always knew the Mercedes would kill her' used from three different voice clips, which apparently was made just weeks after her death.

Now I know it seems very harsh to praise a magazine for its determination to support independent music then lampoon it the first chance I get. Let me just then take this opportunity to praise Bearded for introducing me to Throwing Snow, who use banjos and a percussion which consists off the rattle of a spray can that I feel doesn't get used enough nowadays, and the funk/soul oddity that id Ratface, both can be found and downloaded through the website if you so wish to do so. But when it comes to Cassetteboy, no tunes, no reason to ever listen to them again, no point I’m afraid.